here is November - where is the time going? Outside my window stands a tree for which there is no color name that matches - It is gorgeous, somewhere between gold and amber and pumpkin...
News on me: sent my children's book manuscript to the editor at Delacorte Press. She is expecting it and knows it will arrive this week. After one year of writing it and ten years with the idea in my head - it is out of my hands. We will see.
News on Tommy - tommy's last A1C was 7.5!!! Doc. is happy with that - so are we. Getting the blood drawn from Tommy was horrible though, I mean traumatic times 10.
As we drove up to the lab, he was shouting, "I am not going! I am not getting out of the car!"
I carried him in and tried to calm him.
There was a wait - Tommy tried to leave the office. I said, "OK, hope you find your way home," knowing that my boy - the one who is always stuck to me like glue - would never go. So he cries and cries and cries. Other people in the cramped waiting room are silent. Other kids look at Tommy with wide eyes and their parents look at me saying, "Thanks a lot".
But I just whisper in his ear - It will be OK, Mommy is here, you will be fine, etc...."
It is his turn. He sits on my lap and cries like I've never heard him before. It's almost as if all of the sadness and fear about diabetes and school have escaped from their hiding place deep within Tom's 50 pound body.
The phelbotimist inserts the needle Tom screams, "What are you doing to me?" about 5 times - It comes out with a high pitched squeal.
Then, as the needle is in, he screams. "Take it out!" about 20 times in a row. It sounds like a train running along the tracks - takeitout,takeitout, takeitout...." Say it out loud - you'll see what I mean.
And then it is over - He calmly demands, "Tissue." Wiping his eyes and nose, he denies a sticker and says, "Bagel."
I thank the phelb. and leave the waiting room. The other kids are clinging to their parents. Sorry - it is not my fault the lab doesn't have sound proof walls!
We get to the car. We are quiet. I said, "How are you now?"
"ok," he sighs, "It wasn't that bad."
Next time - Daddy takes you, I think.
We go for a bagel and a talk and all is OK.
*Sigh*
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
one month in...
Tommy is now one month into Kindergarten. He has survived and so have I but the nerves remain, for both of us.
He has been on the low side at lunch time - between 60 - and 80. His teacher has noticed that on some days, right before lunch, that he loses focus. Aside from talking to his endo about readjusting basal rates, I am going to suggest a skittle or 2 or 5 , one half hour before lunch, to give him a boost.
I had his conference last week. Academically, he is doing fine. Knows most of his letters and sounds, numbers, etc. - Loves to participate during circle time, loves stories and talking about them.... But - his teacher did say that at times - he is 'inconsistent'. Meaning - some days he exhibits that he knows the stuff and other days - not so much. We talked. She wondered - is there something like a processing problem, attention, etc. Sighing, I said - think about when you are felling really tired, hungry and blah - Can you think well? Teach well? I think it is his bg coming down.
Now, I do know Tommy. He can be stubborn. He can give up at times. He does not like to draw all of the time. (so much of the centers in illustrating things - come on, not all people like to draw! He would much rather talk and perform - that is another story for another blog entry - :) )
But - he is smart and funny and interesting.
But - he is not completing any center independently. And he 'needs to.'
And he is 5 - just 5. Already stressed about school. Already loving the weekends and not Sunday nights so much.. And he is 5.
Let him put stickers on instead of drawing an alligator, or an apple or a tiger. He is not finishing these d - - - centers b/c he does not feel confident in his drawing and writing. So - I will work on it with him - but in the meantime - how about giving Tommy the tools he needs so that he can succeed?
The nerves are certainly raging - one month in. But today - he has a mild fever so he will be home. We will bake apple pies, muffins and cake feom the bushel of apples that we picked from a local orchard - We will practice some writing - We will snuggle on the couch. We will breathe.
He has been on the low side at lunch time - between 60 - and 80. His teacher has noticed that on some days, right before lunch, that he loses focus. Aside from talking to his endo about readjusting basal rates, I am going to suggest a skittle or 2 or 5 , one half hour before lunch, to give him a boost.
I had his conference last week. Academically, he is doing fine. Knows most of his letters and sounds, numbers, etc. - Loves to participate during circle time, loves stories and talking about them.... But - his teacher did say that at times - he is 'inconsistent'. Meaning - some days he exhibits that he knows the stuff and other days - not so much. We talked. She wondered - is there something like a processing problem, attention, etc. Sighing, I said - think about when you are felling really tired, hungry and blah - Can you think well? Teach well? I think it is his bg coming down.
Now, I do know Tommy. He can be stubborn. He can give up at times. He does not like to draw all of the time. (so much of the centers in illustrating things - come on, not all people like to draw! He would much rather talk and perform - that is another story for another blog entry - :) )
But - he is smart and funny and interesting.
But - he is not completing any center independently. And he 'needs to.'
And he is 5 - just 5. Already stressed about school. Already loving the weekends and not Sunday nights so much.. And he is 5.
Let him put stickers on instead of drawing an alligator, or an apple or a tiger. He is not finishing these d - - - centers b/c he does not feel confident in his drawing and writing. So - I will work on it with him - but in the meantime - how about giving Tommy the tools he needs so that he can succeed?
The nerves are certainly raging - one month in. But today - he has a mild fever so he will be home. We will bake apple pies, muffins and cake feom the bushel of apples that we picked from a local orchard - We will practice some writing - We will snuggle on the couch. We will breathe.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Leg pain
Tommy gets pains in his legs that really irk me. Since before his diabetes dx in Feb. 2004, he gets leg pain, mostly at night. When I was growing up, and still today, I get pain in my legs too.
I cannot stand to hear him cry, "My leg hurts." We rub the leg - either one for it's bilateral - with lotion, give him warm soaks, and most of the time, Motrin.
I have talked with doctors about this. Once, when he fell off swing set and hurt is lower leg, he had an x-ray. I was glad b/c I wanted to be sure that he didn't have something causing the pain, like a tumor or something.
I know it isn't cancer. He has had this pain going on three years now. Sometimes, he can go weeks without any, sometimes a few times a week. I blame it on fluctuating blood sugars, but no one else I know with a child with d. gets them. Everyone says it's growing pains. At Tom's last well check up, I talked about it again with his ped. He checked his legs pulses and they were fine. He did suggest to have his potassium levels checked at the next blood work time, and we will.
I remember when Tom was dx and in the hospital. It was the first night with the dx. and my husband had gone home. The halls were quiet in the pediatric ward, and Tommy was sleeping. It had been a long day, but my adrenaline was still pumping. Tom's chart was in the holder near the door to his room. I took out his records and read the dx., and studied his blood work. I was so relieved that his blood work - red and white cell counts - came back as normal!
Here he was , dx. with diabetes, but I was glad it wasn't what I feared - cancer. I remember saying that to the doc. as he visited TOm that night. He must have thought I was nuts, b/c in actuality, Tom was days away from being scary sick. I didn't know what I know now about A1c's, etc.
Sometimes, those doubts arise when Tommy calls out, "Mama- I need cream for my leg!' The doubts subside when he races his brother on his bike and climbs the ladder to his slide.
Worrying bites.
I cannot stand to hear him cry, "My leg hurts." We rub the leg - either one for it's bilateral - with lotion, give him warm soaks, and most of the time, Motrin.
I have talked with doctors about this. Once, when he fell off swing set and hurt is lower leg, he had an x-ray. I was glad b/c I wanted to be sure that he didn't have something causing the pain, like a tumor or something.
I know it isn't cancer. He has had this pain going on three years now. Sometimes, he can go weeks without any, sometimes a few times a week. I blame it on fluctuating blood sugars, but no one else I know with a child with d. gets them. Everyone says it's growing pains. At Tom's last well check up, I talked about it again with his ped. He checked his legs pulses and they were fine. He did suggest to have his potassium levels checked at the next blood work time, and we will.
I remember when Tom was dx and in the hospital. It was the first night with the dx. and my husband had gone home. The halls were quiet in the pediatric ward, and Tommy was sleeping. It had been a long day, but my adrenaline was still pumping. Tom's chart was in the holder near the door to his room. I took out his records and read the dx., and studied his blood work. I was so relieved that his blood work - red and white cell counts - came back as normal!
Here he was , dx. with diabetes, but I was glad it wasn't what I feared - cancer. I remember saying that to the doc. as he visited TOm that night. He must have thought I was nuts, b/c in actuality, Tom was days away from being scary sick. I didn't know what I know now about A1c's, etc.
Sometimes, those doubts arise when Tommy calls out, "Mama- I need cream for my leg!' The doubts subside when he races his brother on his bike and climbs the ladder to his slide.
Worrying bites.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
an old soul
Tommy has grown up quickly, and I don't think it is because of his diabetes. He just seems older that many of his counterparts.
When he was a newborn, I would sit with him on the family room couch. Outside our screened door, I would watch as my husband played with our older son, John. I remember one night in particular.
It was late June, and the summer's long days had set in. It was almost 9 pm and still, they played outside. I remember trying to get their attention and tell them to come inside and get ready for bed. After all, John was not yet 3 years old and he still had to get a bath.
Being just home from the hospital for a day, I was still in a bit of pain. I didn't want to get up from the couch. So I just sighed loudly, which woke up a sleeping Tommy. As I held him, all 8 .5 pounds of him, he looked up at me and we shared our first 'knowing glance...'
It was as if he could read my thoughts. He was 3 days old.
I remember saying to him, "You are an old friend, coming over for a visit.' "I know you, don't I?"
Tommy is an old soul. I am not sure of my feelings of past lives, and all that - but I feel that Tommy has definately been on this earth before. John - my oldest - is a 'newbie.' He's innocent, noncynical and trusting to a fault. John is also smart, tactful and curious. Tommy is cautious, intuitive, perceptive and cunning. He is also tactful, loves greatly, loyal and brilliant.
My husband, mother, and others think I am being weird with these ' old soul' thoughts, but I stick by my instinct that he is one.
Sometimes, as I held Tommy in those early days, he would look at me as if to say, "Ugh - I remember being a baby - this stinks.'
We have shared many knowing glances. We are very close. He and I are 'old souls' together.
When he was a newborn, I would sit with him on the family room couch. Outside our screened door, I would watch as my husband played with our older son, John. I remember one night in particular.
It was late June, and the summer's long days had set in. It was almost 9 pm and still, they played outside. I remember trying to get their attention and tell them to come inside and get ready for bed. After all, John was not yet 3 years old and he still had to get a bath.
Being just home from the hospital for a day, I was still in a bit of pain. I didn't want to get up from the couch. So I just sighed loudly, which woke up a sleeping Tommy. As I held him, all 8 .5 pounds of him, he looked up at me and we shared our first 'knowing glance...'
It was as if he could read my thoughts. He was 3 days old.
I remember saying to him, "You are an old friend, coming over for a visit.' "I know you, don't I?"
Tommy is an old soul. I am not sure of my feelings of past lives, and all that - but I feel that Tommy has definately been on this earth before. John - my oldest - is a 'newbie.' He's innocent, noncynical and trusting to a fault. John is also smart, tactful and curious. Tommy is cautious, intuitive, perceptive and cunning. He is also tactful, loves greatly, loyal and brilliant.
My husband, mother, and others think I am being weird with these ' old soul' thoughts, but I stick by my instinct that he is one.
Sometimes, as I held Tommy in those early days, he would look at me as if to say, "Ugh - I remember being a baby - this stinks.'
We have shared many knowing glances. We are very close. He and I are 'old souls' together.
Friday, September 08, 2006
skittles
Ok - The week is over. Tommy did great and I did not need an oxygen tank. Good things.
Not one tear was shed by Tommy. He is a mature, happy boy with lots of common sense and intuitiveness. He knew that school is what he had to do, so he did it. Just like the middle of the night bg tests where he sticks out his index finger while he is asleep. He just knows that he has to.
I did not cry either. Not sure why. Maybe it will come this weekend . ( my poor husband!)
Maybe I was too numb? Or maybe b/c I saw him each day at lunch? And saw the nurse use the pump correctly? Or maybe b/c I have been volunteering in the school's media center a little each day? ( great to have friends who work at the school and know my neuroses. )
We had a few problems. One major mishap occurred on Tuesday.
While at the dinner table, ( a very powerful tool!) Tommy told us that he didn't;t get a 'skittle' b/c his teacher said he was ' allergic.'
I just about lost it.
He said that she was giving out skittles for good listening and when she got to him, she just gave him a sticker.
Oh man, my Irish NY temper rose like a bat out of hell.
Then he said, "Mama, ( that's what he calls me, and I love it) I'm not allergic. It was b/c of my diabetes, right?"
*big sigh* He just turned 5 in June, and he already knows that his life in unfair and unjust.
Now, I know these teachers, and they are very good and loving. I am happy with his school. So, I calmly wrote a note about ' not making Tommy feel excluded.." blah, blah, blah and "If I had known there was going to be food in the suites I would have told you that he can have ONE ( wanted to say an expletive here) skittle without needing a trip to the nurse.
I told Tommy that his teachers are still learning about him and his care, and that I would talk to them in the morning. I then gave him three skittles, - all red b/c I told him they stood for
I.Love.You.
The next day, I found out that it was another teacher in the suite ( there are 6 in all) that was reading them a story and she knew about Tommy's d., but not about extra food. In fact, she called me before Tommy even turned in the note, so.... it was OK in the end.
(thanks to my friends on the CWD site that night - love you guys!)
and in his lunch box the next day - You guessed it? Three more skittles.
Not one tear was shed by Tommy. He is a mature, happy boy with lots of common sense and intuitiveness. He knew that school is what he had to do, so he did it. Just like the middle of the night bg tests where he sticks out his index finger while he is asleep. He just knows that he has to.
I did not cry either. Not sure why. Maybe it will come this weekend . ( my poor husband!)
Maybe I was too numb? Or maybe b/c I saw him each day at lunch? And saw the nurse use the pump correctly? Or maybe b/c I have been volunteering in the school's media center a little each day? ( great to have friends who work at the school and know my neuroses. )
We had a few problems. One major mishap occurred on Tuesday.
While at the dinner table, ( a very powerful tool!) Tommy told us that he didn't;t get a 'skittle' b/c his teacher said he was ' allergic.'
I just about lost it.
He said that she was giving out skittles for good listening and when she got to him, she just gave him a sticker.
Oh man, my Irish NY temper rose like a bat out of hell.
Then he said, "Mama, ( that's what he calls me, and I love it) I'm not allergic. It was b/c of my diabetes, right?"
*big sigh* He just turned 5 in June, and he already knows that his life in unfair and unjust.
Now, I know these teachers, and they are very good and loving. I am happy with his school. So, I calmly wrote a note about ' not making Tommy feel excluded.." blah, blah, blah and "If I had known there was going to be food in the suites I would have told you that he can have ONE ( wanted to say an expletive here) skittle without needing a trip to the nurse.
I told Tommy that his teachers are still learning about him and his care, and that I would talk to them in the morning. I then gave him three skittles, - all red b/c I told him they stood for
I.Love.You.
The next day, I found out that it was another teacher in the suite ( there are 6 in all) that was reading them a story and she knew about Tommy's d., but not about extra food. In fact, she called me before Tommy even turned in the note, so.... it was OK in the end.
(thanks to my friends on the CWD site that night - love you guys!)
and in his lunch box the next day - You guessed it? Three more skittles.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
" I love school - mom will you be there?"
It's Tuesday and it's raining. I am glad. It fits my mood - quiet, grey, and sleepy.
I really love rainy days - a chance to stay in and write, read, drink pots of tea and when the boys come home - a few rounds of video games and some go - fish.
Think I'll make a roast chicken tonight. Then I can make a big vat of chicken soup. Yum.
Tommy started his first full week of school today. He hasn't cried at all and neither have I. I think I am numb, actually. My heart was heavy as I walked back to my car this morning after dropping of the boys and doing a little volunteer work at the school.
I feel out of place, almost like I did when I began college and didn't know where my life was heading. It is very strange to have the house quiet. I can actually hear the click of the keyboard as I write. Usually there is noise of some kind near me at all times. It is weird.
Talked to Tom's endo this weekend and we changed his basal rates on the pump. He was dropping too fast after getting a correction bolus. I think that is what happened on Tom's first day of school last week. Hopefully he will be OK today. I will be very nervous between 2 and 4 pm.
I had a good cry this weekend. My husband and I had a really ' real' talk with him about Tom and my fears. What it comes down to is that I am afraid that he will die. I am afraid that he will have a low and have a seizure and die. That is it. My fear. It felt good to say it out loud and have John accept my fears and feelings. It felt good to cry.
I need to have more trust in the nurses there, but also in Tommy himself. He needs to vocalize when he feels badly and I think he will.
He was excited last night to talk about school. He said he couldn't wait, and then said, "You'll be there, right mom?" I did talk to the class this morning about Tom's pump and what it is and how it gives Tom the medicine he needs. Kindergarteners can be quite curious! That went well and then I talked to the nurse about how Tommy will need to be checked at 2:30 and then go back at 3:30 if he receives more insulin.
I am sleepy. The sound of the rain is soothing. Wish I had a good book to read. Not that I can concentrate right now any way. Maybe I can work on my book today. Hope so. It had been 2 months since an editor said that she wanted to read the whole thing when it was finished.
Can't waste that opportunity.
Going to the lunch room to help out with the kindergarteners. Can't wait to see Tom's smile.
I really love rainy days - a chance to stay in and write, read, drink pots of tea and when the boys come home - a few rounds of video games and some go - fish.
Think I'll make a roast chicken tonight. Then I can make a big vat of chicken soup. Yum.
Tommy started his first full week of school today. He hasn't cried at all and neither have I. I think I am numb, actually. My heart was heavy as I walked back to my car this morning after dropping of the boys and doing a little volunteer work at the school.
I feel out of place, almost like I did when I began college and didn't know where my life was heading. It is very strange to have the house quiet. I can actually hear the click of the keyboard as I write. Usually there is noise of some kind near me at all times. It is weird.
Talked to Tom's endo this weekend and we changed his basal rates on the pump. He was dropping too fast after getting a correction bolus. I think that is what happened on Tom's first day of school last week. Hopefully he will be OK today. I will be very nervous between 2 and 4 pm.
I had a good cry this weekend. My husband and I had a really ' real' talk with him about Tom and my fears. What it comes down to is that I am afraid that he will die. I am afraid that he will have a low and have a seizure and die. That is it. My fear. It felt good to say it out loud and have John accept my fears and feelings. It felt good to cry.
I need to have more trust in the nurses there, but also in Tommy himself. He needs to vocalize when he feels badly and I think he will.
He was excited last night to talk about school. He said he couldn't wait, and then said, "You'll be there, right mom?" I did talk to the class this morning about Tom's pump and what it is and how it gives Tom the medicine he needs. Kindergarteners can be quite curious! That went well and then I talked to the nurse about how Tommy will need to be checked at 2:30 and then go back at 3:30 if he receives more insulin.
I am sleepy. The sound of the rain is soothing. Wish I had a good book to read. Not that I can concentrate right now any way. Maybe I can work on my book today. Hope so. It had been 2 months since an editor said that she wanted to read the whole thing when it was finished.
Can't waste that opportunity.
Going to the lunch room to help out with the kindergarteners. Can't wait to see Tom's smile.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
6 am
No delivery, it said at the 3 am check -
392 bg, shot of novolog as I wait for the emla cream to do its magic -
he wet the bed for the first time - ever -
Feeling really down -
First day of school was as hard as I believed it to be -
at 2 pm school check, tom was 270 - bolus wizard used, - dropped him to 60 at 3:40 pm check -
couldn't walk down the path to me as I waited ...
saw the other kids but not tom nor his brother....
cell phone rang and to the nurse's office I went - wonder how many times I will be there this year? in the course of 5 years?
Skittles given along with hugs and smiles as I became an Emmy winning actress as I beamed a "hi tommy"
Walked home and talked about the day...
Call given to endo for adjustment on pump...
Welcome to school...
392 bg, shot of novolog as I wait for the emla cream to do its magic -
he wet the bed for the first time - ever -
Feeling really down -
First day of school was as hard as I believed it to be -
at 2 pm school check, tom was 270 - bolus wizard used, - dropped him to 60 at 3:40 pm check -
couldn't walk down the path to me as I waited ...
saw the other kids but not tom nor his brother....
cell phone rang and to the nurse's office I went - wonder how many times I will be there this year? in the course of 5 years?
Skittles given along with hugs and smiles as I became an Emmy winning actress as I beamed a "hi tommy"
Walked home and talked about the day...
Call given to endo for adjustment on pump...
Welcome to school...
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
12 hours
IN 12 hours, my son Tommy will be entering full day Kindergarten. I am freaking out. Someone else will be in charge of his diabetes care. Someone else will need to use his pump and give him the right amount of insulin. The 'what ifs' swirl in my head live leaves in a tornado. Someone else will have to detect his lows and highs.
Did I mention that he is 5?
And that he cannot detect his own lows?
And that he will be away from me from 9 - 4?
But...
I do like his school.
They have 2 nurses, well aware of tommy's needs. THere is another boy in the school with d. too. I have spent the last week training, telling, writing, preparing them for tom's entrance to school.
I am having a hard time breathing.
And...
I will go to his school at lunch time.
Thank God I work for myself. - I am a writer. More on that later.
I have been asked to volunteer the first few weeks in the lunch room. I get to be with Tom when he eats. Thanks God I taught school for 11 years before staying home. The cafeteria I can handle.
Not the fact that someone else is giving my baby insulin.
Ok - you will learn that I do have a control problem sooner ot later, so why not here on the first post?!
There is just Tommy, me, my husband and our other son, who is 7. We live far from family. While we have great friends, no one here can care for Tom's needs. My mother can, but she lives 300 miles away.
Can't breathe.
Need to put on my best brave mom face as I read to him tonight. He is excited to start. He is ready. He is so cute, and smart and funny. His teacher will love him.
She'd better!
11 hours, 45 minutes....
Did I mention that he is 5?
And that he cannot detect his own lows?
And that he will be away from me from 9 - 4?
But...
I do like his school.
They have 2 nurses, well aware of tommy's needs. THere is another boy in the school with d. too. I have spent the last week training, telling, writing, preparing them for tom's entrance to school.
I am having a hard time breathing.
And...
I will go to his school at lunch time.
Thank God I work for myself. - I am a writer. More on that later.
I have been asked to volunteer the first few weeks in the lunch room. I get to be with Tom when he eats. Thanks God I taught school for 11 years before staying home. The cafeteria I can handle.
Not the fact that someone else is giving my baby insulin.
Ok - you will learn that I do have a control problem sooner ot later, so why not here on the first post?!
There is just Tommy, me, my husband and our other son, who is 7. We live far from family. While we have great friends, no one here can care for Tom's needs. My mother can, but she lives 300 miles away.
Can't breathe.
Need to put on my best brave mom face as I read to him tonight. He is excited to start. He is ready. He is so cute, and smart and funny. His teacher will love him.
She'd better!
11 hours, 45 minutes....
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